Aardvark and Aardvark jokes

When it’s time to shop for a pet, don’t just open the Pet Yellow Pages and start with the “A’s.” If you do, you may find yourself saddled with an aardvark.

The common aardvark, sold by unscrupulous pet dealers to unsuspecting customers, makes an atrocious pet. The aardvark is the product of a drunken one-night-stand between a leprous armadillo and a rabid rat. (Warning: Do NOT watch the youtube video!)

The pet store guy will tell you an aardvark is a practical pet. He’ll say you can use its snout as a spare hose for your shop vac. Don’t you believe him! If you try that trick, your aardvark will snort your whole shop-vac right into its bloated belly.

The moral: Never trust an aardvark.

Aardvarks are said to protect their owners against invasions of African soldier-ants. As the ants approach, the aardvark emits a shrill barking noise, then noisily defecates in the general direction of the noxious insects, which then change direction and head for your neighbor’s house. (Warning: Do not watch THAT youtube video either.)


But the plain truth of the matter is that owning an aardvark marks you as a loser. If you tether it outside on your lawn, you’ll just be saying to your neighbors: “Look, I’m a guy who’s dumb enough to actually buy one of those bleeping aardvarks.”

Sure, you can cuddle your aardvark…if you don’t mind catching leprosy.

You can try to train your aardvark by tossing ants at it to catch with its snout. But it usually misses.

Aardvarks are stupid, clumsy creatures.

Frankly, there is no good reason why anyone would want to keep an aardvark in their home. You know it and I know it. So why are you reading this? And why am I writing it?



I actually have a great joke about a guy wanting a pet and buying an Aardvark, but it’s SO NSFW that i’d be banned from Mudspike.com, Biblehub.com, lose my job, get a parking ticket and break a promise I personally made to my father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.


isnt that what God gave us spoiler tags for?


Dunno man, dunno. It’s really—

that bad huh… well it’d be unhealthy to keep that in. let it go man!

1 Like

I dunno man, have you read the Old Testament? There’s some Aristocrats - level stuff in there.

1 Like

Hell (pun!), you do raise a good point…

Well, here goes nothing:

So, this guy goes to the Pet Shop down the road to buy a pet. He’s kind of bored at home, decided to quit smokin’- that sorta stuff…

So he steps in the shop and browses around unconvinced.
The 19 years old clerk behind the counter sees him and get’s interested- approaches the guy and says “Can I help you sir?”

Guy- “No- yeah… sorta. I was thinking to buy a pet but I can’t stand cats, dogs are too much work… I’d like something laid back.”

Clerk “Oh, so… it’s for your wife, really uh?”

Guy “Well, not at all- things are a bit… slow with her as of late, so… it’s actually for me.”

Clerk, with a knowing smile “Ooooh, well- let me suggest something” and then under breath “take an aardvark” wink pointing a sad looking animal in a cage.

Guy, in low voice too “What?! What is that? That ugly thing?!”

Clerk, amused but still in low voice “Ooooh yes! THAT thing, gives some amazing head you wouldn’t believe. Check its tongue”

Guy, with an horrified face “WHAT?!? Are you serious?!”

Clerk, smiling broadly “Oh, yes. But don’t just trust me, take it home for a few days.” Shrugs “If you like it, you buy it, otherwise you just bring it back”

The guy is visibly torn, paces the aisle for a while and then, noticing there’s no other customers around thinks “The hell with it…” and takes it home.

The wife initially is a bit taken aback but eventually just goes with it…

That night, around 1 o’clock, the wife is awoken by noises in the kitchen.
Curiously she peeks from the kitchen door and witnesses the husband teaching the Aardvark to prepare a coffee pot.

“What on earth are you two doing here?” she asks…

“SHUT UP!” goes the husband “If I also get to teach it to make a decent coffe you’re ■■■■■■■ outta here!”

applauses as komemiute bows

I know, I know… but it was you that pressed that Spoiler tag…


It’s a good thing those bibleclub.com assholes don’t know to click a spoilered post or you’d be outta there bro!

1 Like

Told ya, but it’s still kinda funny- :stuck_out_tongue:

Verily. Aardvarks suck like nothing else on the planet. When it comes to going down in the bush, nothing beats a 'vark.


You do not want to get sucked up by an aardvark.

Oh. WOW. Ok— uuh. Maybe here a little warning is required. D:

whoops, went a bit over the line there didnt I. sorry. I’ll behave.

1 Like

Someone said Aardvark?


Yeah he is up front rocking your favourite missile

I’m looking forward to Bomber intercept missions when we get the Tomcat.

But is the Kitchen modeled properly? Wont be much use for tomcattery in the fleet defence role otherwise, will there?

Define properly. It gets pretty fast to go pretty high to fly pretty far, and you can shoot it down.

1 Like

There are all maritime patrol/ recon Bears to get photographed while escorting, because politics.