When it’s time to shop for a pet, don’t just open the Pet Yellow Pages and start with the “A’s.” If you do, you may find yourself saddled with an aardvark.
The common aardvark, sold by unscrupulous pet dealers to unsuspecting customers, makes an atrocious pet. The aardvark is the product of a drunken one-night-stand between a leprous armadillo and a rabid rat. (Warning: Do NOT watch the youtube video!)
The pet store guy will tell you an aardvark is a practical pet. He’ll say you can use its snout as a spare hose for your shop vac. Don’t you believe him! If you try that trick, your aardvark will snort your whole shop-vac right into its bloated belly.
The moral: Never trust an aardvark.
Aardvarks are said to protect their owners against invasions of African soldier-ants. As the ants approach, the aardvark emits a shrill barking noise, then noisily defecates in the general direction of the noxious insects, which then change direction and head for your neighbor’s house. (Warning: Do not watch THAT youtube video either.)
THE PET-SHOP GUY WILL TELL YOU THAT AARDVARKS ARE STATUS SYMBOLS. HE’LL TRY TO THROW IN A SUBSCRIPTION TO AARDVARK OWNERS’ QUARTERLY ALONG WITH YOUR CRITTER.
But the plain truth of the matter is that owning an aardvark marks you as a loser. If you tether it outside on your lawn, you’ll just be saying to your neighbors: “Look, I’m a guy who’s dumb enough to actually buy one of those bleeping aardvarks.”
Sure, you can cuddle your aardvark…if you don’t mind catching leprosy.
You can try to train your aardvark by tossing ants at it to catch with its snout. But it usually misses.
Aardvarks are stupid, clumsy creatures.
Frankly, there is no good reason why anyone would want to keep an aardvark in their home. You know it and I know it. So why are you reading this? And why am I writing it?