I don’t know how to start. To be honest, I don’t really know that I’m ready to start. Rather than stringing it out, I’ll just get to the point of it. I’m sure most of you guessed that things went terribly wrong in my life about a year and a half ago. I’m not super-ready to talk about much of it yet, but the end result is that my life and that of my family have been turned upside down. I was separated for the legally required period (one year) and my divorce became official earlier this month on August 1. One of my favorite books, “Chickenhawk” by Robert Mason, ends with the statement, after the author’s life comes crumbling down - “No one is more shocked than I…”
Since April of last year, I’ve found the darkest of places as I’ve struggled, and watched my family grapple with our new reality. Telling the boys in October of last year was the worst day of my life. Each day continues to be a nightmare of loss and sadness in my own head. My profession is not very accepting of mental health challenges - so, I describe myself as being sad. Very sad. The distractions of my personal life have made work hard, but I’m grateful that I have a good job that I’m fairly competent at.
Computers and flight simulation went to the back-burner. I have struggled to find meaning in all things in my life and I am thankful for my boys, who have unknowingly kept me centered enough to get through each day. I never realized just how alone I am, and how I built a life that was devoid of close friendships that I feel most people have. I don’t have drinking buddies, I don’t have friends in the neighborhood. I had my wife, who I’ve known for twenty-six years, as my partner and friend in life - and that is no longer the case. I don’t want to get specific about the causes of our collapse - it is simple and complicated all at once. I did not want to get divorced - I still do not want to be divorced, but it is not my decision to make.
So, I’m not sure where I am right now. I’m about as rudderless as I’ve been in my life. I’ve always had goals…mountains to climb, an Ironman to train for, a hobby to pursue. Right now, I’m 100% focused on my kids and spending as much time as I can with them and trying to salvage the good parts. I have a lot to be grateful for, but the loss I feel is tremendous and crushes me anew each morning.
I apologize for disappearing. I apologize for leaving Fearless and Troll and Fridge wondering. They have kept the lights on here through their hard work and have taken the site in the directions they felt were appropriate. I have not looked in. I have been completely absent, but I know I’m reaching a point where I need some friends and I need to start putting some pieces back together. I am sorry that I missed participating in your lives…for so many years I was part of this online family and I’m sorry for not being there for your triumphs and tragedies. I have not been a good friend but I’m trying to relearn things in many different aspects in life.
I have work to do. I have visited to the top of Maslow’s pyramid…but the sides are very steep…very slippery. Hang on for dear life…the ride back down is not pleasant.
Wishing peace for all of you.