And, I bet he got plenty if replies too!
His expedition became notorious as an example of courage and fortitude. Icebound in the Antarctic Shackleton had to journey overland and then in an open boat to get help
TO ALL YOU EX FORCES
Swearing At Work
Dear Staff
It has been brought to the Managing Director’s attention that some ex-servicemen throughout the organisation have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their civilian work colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may have been easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 new and innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1.Try Saying: “I think you could do with more training.”
Instead Of: “You don’t have a ■■■■■■■ clue do you Lofty ?”
2.Try Saying: “She’s an aggressive go-getter.”
Instead Of: “She’s a ■■■■■■■ power-crazy ■■■■■.”
3.Try Saying: “Perhaps I can work late.”
Instead Of: “And when the ■■■■ do you expect me to do this ?”
4.Try Saying: “I’m certain that isn’t feasible.”
Instead Of: “■■■■ off you arsehole !”
5.Try Saying: “Really ?”
Instead Of: “Well, ■■■■ me sideways with a telegraph pole !”
6.Try Saying: “Perhaps you should check with…”
Instead Of: “Tell someone who actually gives a ■■■■ !”
7.Try Saying: “I wasn’t involved in the project.”
Instead Of: “Not my ■■■■■■■ problem shippers !”
8.Try Saying: “That’s interesting.”
Instead Of: “What the ■■■■.”
9.Try Saying: “I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.”
Instead Of: “No ■■■■■■■ chance mate !”
10.Try Saying: “It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in.”
Instead Of: “Why the ■■■■ didn’t you tell me that yesterday you knob jockey ?”
11.Try Saying: “He’s not familiar with the issues.”
Instead Of: “He’s got his head up his ■■■■■■■ arse !”
12.Try Saying: “Excuse me, Sir.”
Instead Of: “Oi, ■■■■ face !”
13.Try Saying: “Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway.”
Instead Of: "Yeah, who needs ■■■■■■■ holidays anyway.
Cheers
The first part of these is my British (London) colleagues to a T. It is really funny when one of the Dutch or Spanish colleagues is not aware of the level of politeness that is common in the City.
These ones especially:
“That’s a great idea, I’ll discuss it in the team and see how we’ll move that forward.”
Instead of:
“What a load of horse ••••!”
And:
“I would appreciate if you could find the time to look at this”
Instead of:
“If you •••• heads haven’t done this tomorrow …”
Of course, I’ve never heard the quiet part out loud so that may not be very Bri’ish.
My catch phrase when I worked as one of our range/tactical instructors was “why dont you try un****'ing yourself” if they had made a particularly egregious error. I saved it for the closing comment if someone truly deserved a dressing down and had been given one (glaring safety violation for example), or as a more humorous answer if they had already diagnosed themselves and prescribed their own corrective course of action for something obviously stupid (cross firing on the qualification for example).
I had a cadet who was very marginal on firearms for most of the academy, who finally started to get sorted by the end of the academy through remedial training. Their mantra to calm down before shooting the qual was “just un**** myself.” Fast forward several years, and they made it onto the tac team. He sent me a text telling me that he still used that phrase to get him settled down before each event.
I had a call from a scammer the other day.
Me: “Hello.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”
Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”
Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s okay Sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device Sir?”
Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”
Me: “I think it’s already on.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, Sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”
Me: “I don’t see that.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”
Me: “Yes.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”
Me: “Wow, I didn’t realise it had a name.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, now press on Internet Options.”
Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet, Sir. Press the Start button again.”
Me: “Okay, it’s the same as before.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s okay Sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”
Me: “Um … I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”
Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay sir. Please press that button.”
Me: “Okay.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”
Me: “No. The door popped open.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”
Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”
Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”
