The Report continues
The Kinzhal also comes in a variety of colors, includes a full service vodka bar, sauna, escort service, three tins of the finest caviar, a diamond encrusted rollex watch, a signed picture of Vladimir Putin and Steven Segal, two links of salami, three bags of sunflower seeds and a jar of your grandmother’s kompot. The Kinzhal is also claimed to be capable of engaging ABM missile sites, ABM Missiles, and heads of states of countries fostering ABM missile sites. The claimed CEP of the Kinzhal is precisely one Ukrainian President who doesn’t know what’s good for him. Russian Defense Minister Sergey Shoygu, confirmed the missile was well on it’s way to being fully adopted by the Russian Armed Forces by the planned date of 2001, and would be retrofitted to all existing Russian aircraft back to the MiG-3. The defense minister concluded the press conference by dimming the lights, pointing out members of the American and European press, and making spooky noises whilst holding a flashlight below his chin.